It’s been over 15 years since I was first introduced to Neo-Paganism in the form of Wicca during my teenage years. After spending a few years under the label of Eclectic Pagan I was introduced to Asatru and Heathenry.
I viewed myself as a Hard Polytheist. My belief for quite some time was that all deities existed as fully existing spiritual beings that could and did on occasion manifest or influence the physical realm, their existence possible by the energy and focus people placed into them.
Over the years I began to truly question the validity of that belief and during a time of great personal difficulties, I finally admitted to myself that I was an atheist in regards to my belief in divinity. But I still fully believed in the cultural values and traditions of Heathenry. So what was I now? Mostly I’ve still used the Heathen label because I had personally met one Atheist Heathen and had heard of many more.
Around six months ago, I learned of Naturalistic Paganism, and upon reading the definition learned that I am not alone in still feeling connected to a form of Paganism but yet not sharing the commonly viewed senses of Deity.
Deities Real to Deities Not: How Does that Happen?
To others around me, and from my story in a nutshell above, it may seem like these changes in belief were fairly sudden. They were truly a gradual progression. In my early days of Wicca, I held to a light polytheist view but a strong belief in the supernatural and magic. First, my belief in magic began to dwindle as I personally found gaps in the common definition of why magic worked. These were places where faith was the only answer. Unfortunately faith alone, along with personal random results to my own magical practices, led to a dwindling of that belief.
A belief in magic is not a central belief in Heathenry. There are those who do practice it, such as rune magic, but there are many Heathens who have no belief or just refrain from any practice of magic. Other than feeling a connection to the culture and values, that lack of centralization of magic was something that drew me to Heathenry.
So now I’ve come to start studying Heathenry, and my only belief in magic (and one I still hold) is it works only on yourself. It is an excellent way of self-motivation and visualization, but I do not think we can affect outside of that with spellwork. I still practice divination and am a Hard Polytheist.
Years go by and small things begin to challenge that Hard Polytheistic belief. Those beliefs don’t hold up to these little challenges over time. It comes to where I see Deities as a form of Societal focus and comfort to people, not beings who have the direct ability to affect our lives. I went on for quite some time before I said anything to my kindred and friends. When I did, it led to a falling out and distance that I’ve never repaired.
Where Am I Now?
For the past 5 years, I’ve been a solitary practicing Heathen. It’s not my preference, as I still strongly believe in family, community, and the importance of those bonds. Shortly after I had this realization, my first child was born and anyone with children knows your life changes dramatically. One of those things being your ability to get out and do things too.
One day I hope to return to the Heathen community, because I still have beliefs in Wyrd, the values taught by the Lore, the importance of community and our personal honor, honoring our ancestors, and even land spirits in a way. In this time I’ve delved more into online communities, including Naturalistic ones.
I still feel a bit like I don’t fit in anywhere precisely but maybe that is just because I haven’t found it yet.
Velody Dark is a mother of two small children and a certified teacher in her state who has been walking a pagan path for over fifteen years. She is also the creator behind Treegold & Beegold, a blog and handmade business that focuses on Life, Parenting from a Pagan perspective, and Crafts with tutorials. Her handmade shop includes a large variety items aimed for the family from embroidered children’s items, tarot bags, and vinyl decals.